Ouroboros
by NuclearPoweredStick
Summary: A brief, somewhat melancholic reflection by Janna about her feelings for someone special.


It's funny. I can't remember exactly when it started. I can't remember the first time I pushed him down in the sandbox, or took his crayons when he wasn't looking. That's how long we've been at this.

Well, I say "we". I think it's mostly just me. I don't think Marco even knows we're "at" anything.

It was the same thing for years. I teased him, messed with him, tried to get his goat. And I got a rise out of him. It wasn't so bad, really. He probably thought about me more than any girl except for Jackie. Yeah, I saw the way he looked at her, but somehow I never thought anything would actually change.

And for a long time, nothing did. Until Star came. And now everything is...

Well, let me back up. A lot happened between then and now.

I don't think Marco had ever had any real friends before Star. He had Alfonso and Ferguson, but it never seemed like they were all that close. More like just guys hanging out together, doing guy stuff or whatever.

But Star was different. Heck, they LIVED together for most of a year. I really don't think anything was going on at first, but when you spend THAT much time with somebody, there's no way you don't get close.

And hey, Star is cool. We've broken out of detention, raised a clown from the dead, and even watched Marco from his closet while he was sleeping. We ended up being friends, so I get why they ended up being friends. On top of all that, she even tried to help set him up with Jackie.

Marco liked Jackie for a long time. And why not? All Jackie ever did was be nice to him, and try to make him feel better about himself. I tried that a couple times, but it never worked that way for me. Every time I try to have a normal conversation with him, somehow it ends up being weird.

Like, I remember the time I let him win at The Adventuring Zone, when we were playing with Alfonso and Ferguson. I knew he'd been ignoring Jackie a lot since he got back from Mewni. And yeah, I knew why. I knew what was really going on in his head, or at least had a pretty good idea, even if he didn't. So I tried playing it cool. I thought, I don't know... if I was cool with him when he was being such a jerk to everybody, maybe I had one last chance to show him I'm not so bad.

I felt pretty bad afterwards, about trying to take advantage of him and Jackie... well, maybe not fighting, but something like that. That's why I gave him his social security card back. That one was a real prize, definitely not easy to get my hands on. All giving it back got me was being called a creep for having it in the first place. Okay, yeah, I probably deserved that one... but it still stung.

When I steal his wallet, I leave the money. When I steal his personal information, it isn't JUST to mess with him. It's that too, but it's also... I guess trying to get to know him better. I can't just TALK to him. Like I said, I've tried... and it just doesn't work like that.

There was the time at Star's sleepover. I tried to talk to Marco about his favorite color. That's a pretty safe thing to talk about, right? But somehow I even managed to make THAT weird, asking him if he likes red because it's like blood, trying to act tough just because I don't like "girl" colors.

Still, I almost came clean that night. Almost. Turned it out was a stupid idea. I don't know why I thought it would work. I guess I thought, if everybody has to be honest anyway, it was as good a time as any. And if everybody had to be honest, if he ended up being honest with Jackie... it might have been my chance before he ended up with somebody else. I was about to tell him who I really have a crush on... then I saw the look on his face, and I knew it would have been a mistake to even try.

What I said instead wasn't exactly a lie. I do kinda have a thing for John Keats. But I don't think Star was the only one the cube was calling out.

Yeah, about that. Star was lying about Oskar, just like I was lying about John Keats. After that night, it didn't take me very long to figure it out, but everybody knows it now. Well, everybody except them. They still don't get it, but they're so close they're about to trip over it. And once they do... I don't think I'll get any more chances.

I mean, I was always a little worried about him getting close to Jackie. Everybody knew he had a crush on her. I'm pretty sure even Jackie knew, I think she was just waiting for him to grow a pair. Turns out, he finally did. That same night at Star's sleepover was the night he bit the bullet, and told her how he felt. That ended up with them dating for a while, which wasn't exactly fun for me to watch. But I never REALLY thought they'd end up getting married or anything crazy like that. Star, though? It'll happen. I know that now.

When Jackie ended up going to the school dance with Marco, that was when I figured out the first half. Not everything about that night was bad. I mean, I got the chance to slap Marco's butt that night, and it was everything I always hoped it would be. But it didn't exactly make up for what happened afterwards. Star and I were supposed to be trying to summon a ghost clown, and she spent most of the night freaking out over him not answering his phone, like some kind of crazy stalker person. I mean, sure, I have his locker combination, all his personal information, and break into his house on a regular basis, but I never got mad just because he put his phone on silent. Who would be THAT obsessed with somebody?

Okay... I wasn't just mad because she wouldn't shut up about him. I wasn't just mad because she's even more competition. I was mad because... it's like Star was saying all the things I always wanted to say, but I never could. All the things about how Marco never looked at me the way he looked at Jackie. About how Jackie had the chance with him I never did. Who would even listen if I wanted to talk about something like that?

Seems like I always end up being the person who listens. I wasn't there for Song Day, but Star told us all about it at our emergency friend meeting, and about the mess Ruberiot made. She said she didn't really have a crush on Marco, and I said I believed her. I guess we both lied to each other again.

Well, just like before, my lie is still going strong, and hers lasted about 11 minutes. I tried to act surprised when Star admitted to everybody that she had a crush on Marco, but I wasn't really. It's probably a good thing everybody was too distracted to notice how bad of an acting job it was.

When Marco ran off to find her a couple days later, I started getting worried. Like maybe he wouldn't come back. Like he might get himself killed, or worse, decide to stay there with Star. But even though it felt like it took forever, he did finally come back. Sort of.

After he came back, he kept trying to act cool about how he saved Mewni. Actually, it does sound pretty cool that they melted an evil lizard's face off, but he was still kinda being a jerk about it. Even while he was bragging about that, he kept talking like he'd never see Star again. I hate myself thinking about it now, but I was actually a little happy. I figured I could deal with him dating Jackie. I hung out with them a few times, and I had a feeling it wouldn't last forever. I was right about that part, but what happened afterwards turned out to be so much worse.

He went back to Star. Maybe forever. That was when I figured out the second half.

I didn't see either of them for months after that, until Star invited me over because she needed my special brand of magic to help her with some interdimensional stuff. Everything else aside, it really was good to see Star again. And Marco too. Not gonna lie, for most of the night, I was actually having a pretty good time. I really had to make up for lost time messing with Marco, so I broke out the big guns, chickenbutt caliber. Heck, I had actually forgotten that I stole Marco's watch until Star called me about hypnosis. It's like taking his stuff is just a reflex now.

The weirdest part of the whole night though? That happened while Star was gone. Marco... tried to talk to me. Like, actually TALK to me. I had the perfect opportunity to have a normal, totally not weird conversation with him. And I couldn't do it. It's like I was scared of just... TALKING to him. Like I knew I'd mess it up somehow and just make things even worse. So I knocked him out again.

Still, it's not like he would remember it. Even after that, I felt like it could've been worse. At least, until Marco picked up the wand and risked head exploding magical backfire to get Star back from a weird interdimensional black hole. I was seriously worried he was about to die, and I don't have necromancy down to an exact science... yet. When she hugged him afterwards, I could actually see him blushing. The two halves were finally coming together. It almost made me sick to watch. I'd known for a long time that it was coming, but in that moment, I knew it was here. I knew it was over. Like, really over. So over that I think they would've started tongue wrestling if I hadn't been there. So I did what I always do. I turned it into a joke. It's like... pretending it's not serious makes it hurt just a little less.

It IS sort of a joke, in a cosmic way. Somebody as cool and fierce as me falling for a goofy, awkward dork like him. I've never told anybody. Not a single person. Not family, not friends, and DEFINITELY not Marco. Who could I even tell? I can't tell Star or Jackie, because duh, and there's nobody else I trust. So I just keep it to myself. What else can I do?

My second time on Mewni was the last time I saw Marco, when I got an invitation from him to Star's surprise birthday party.

It started out kinda slow, but when I thought he was giving me a back rub that night, I just about lost it. I thought Marco might finally be giving me real, actual attention. And in a way that I wouldn't have to talk to him and screw everything up. Maybe I'd been wrong. Maybe he wasn't into Star the way everybody thought he was, and I really did have a chance after all. Instead I got dragged into darkness and almost killed by a living, demonic stump. Which, don't get me wrong, also wasn't a bad way to spend a cold winter night.

Seeing him fighting with Tom over Star wasn't actually that big of a surprise. I figured it out when he left his entire life in Echo Creek behind just because he missed Star. Still, the way he talked to Tom, it made me wonder if HE knew. If he'd realized WHY he was fighting Tom. Did he think he was just looking out for Star, or did he realize how jealous he was? I think that's why I said what I said to Kelly, about her being jealous. I don't think she was, not really. I was though. I wanted Marco to be fighting somebody over ME. It was almost like a way for me to say it without actually saying it.

Seems like Star doesn't go for that kind of thing though. She had already told me about some of the awkward stuff that happened when Marco came back to Mewni, how there's nothing going on between them, and how she's dating Tom now. Does it really count as a lie if you're only lying to yourself? She's still in love with that idiot, and she doesn't even know it. Which wouldn't be so hard for me, if he wasn't in love with her too.

I can't hate Star. It's not her fault. Those two dorks deserve each other. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I should be, but I'm not. I still want him for myself. Still, even if I can't be happy about it, I think I've made peace with it.

Even after all that, nothing has really changed. Marco and I keep circling around the same track we always have, and probably will forever. Some day I'll find a way to bring John Keats back to life and finally tie the knot. Marco will get married to Star and they'll have 2.5 kids and a nice suburban castle with a white picket fence. Even then, I'm pretty sure I'll have to find some way to go on messing with him. I don't think I have a choice. Things are different for him, but not for me.

I chase him, but I never catch him. I wish it wasn't like this, but in a way... I think it's the only way things could ever be with us. What would I do if it worked? I mean, if it really worked? What if I found out he WAS madly in love with me and could never admit it? Heck if I know. If a dog is chasing their own tail, what are they supposed to do if they catch it?

Once in a while, somebody will ask me why I pick on him so much. I'm not this way with most people, not even other boys I've liked. I don't know why he's different. Maybe he just makes it too easy. Maybe I do like it when he looks at me. He'll never look at me the same way he looks at Jackie or Star, but it's better than not looking at me at all. It works, doesn't it? He pays attention to me. I'm in his head, just for a little while. The ones that hurt the most are the ones he never notices, or worse, ignores.

One time, just one time, Star told me to take it easy on him. I can't even remember when it was or what I did. It must have been something pretty serious if Star called me out, considering she usually likes to get in on it with me. There's only one thing I really remember about that whole conversation. She said he'd never done anything to me. And I remember thinking, no, that's not true. It's because he has something of mine.

The truth is, it's his fault. He started it. If I try to drive him crazy, it's because he drives me crazy without even trying. If I won't stay out of his life, it's because he won't stay out of my head. If I steal from him, it's because he stole something from me first. He's had something important to me for a long time, something that doesn't belong to him. He stole the one thing of mine that I've never been able to steal from him.

Marco stole my heart.


End file.
